After my boyfriend found out I was secretly masturbating...

My boyfriend and I stared at each other without saying a word. My boyfriend was shocked and I was ashamed.

There's a little pink toy on the table, the vibrator I've been using before I even dated my boyfriend.

The reason why it appeared here is that just now, after my boyfriend went out, when I secretly hid in the room to masturbate, he returned home again because he forgot to bring the battery car key.

Hearing a strange moaning sound, he opened the door of the room and saw that I was flushed and moving regularly with a small toy in my hand. 

My boyfriend froze in place on the spot, and then slammed the door shut, and I only reacted from the intoxication of pleasure.

"Why?" This was the first sentence the boyfriend said.

His eyes were burning and his expression was serious, and I could fully imagine the anger in his heart at the moment.

He is obviously a healthy and strong adult male. Every week, he will do foreplay affectionately in bed and then try his best to have sex. Obviously, the two enjoy it so much during sex, but his girlfriend is concealing that she is secretly masturbating.

Is he not there? Still questioning his sexuality?

It is precisely because such a move cannot be reasonably explained that I choose to avoid it.

I also don't understand why I'm still obsessed with masturbating after having a boyfriend and starting real sex.

It's not that I hate two people having sex, nor is it because my boyfriend is not skilled enough to satisfy me. On the contrary, he is a very gentle and meticulous person. Before each sex, he is very concerned about my feelings and mood. Although he is sometimes impatient, he will definitely do a good job of foreplay and never finish things rudely.

He once hugged me and said that he felt that sex was a matter of two people, not a man's means of solving his sexual desires. He wants to make sure that we all enjoy the process very much, not just for our own happiness.

In addition, safety measures are also very important. As long as I feel uneasy, he will definitely wear a condom.

Therefore, after living together, our sex life can be said to be very harmonious.

And these just aggravated my confusion with him.

"I don't know why I'm doing this, sorry." I bowed my head, ashamed that I had hurt my boyfriend by such a baffling act.

"Do you usually come from shows? Those orgasms?" The boyfriend sighed.

"No! It's definitely not your problem!" I was eager to clarify, not wanting my boyfriend to lose confidence in his sexual ability because of this.

The conversation is over.

In the next few days, although my boyfriend and I maintained a normal relationship on the surface, no one ever mentioned sex again. I was embarrassed to mention it, and my boyfriend probably didn't want to mention it.

If this situation is not resolved, my boyfriend and I will never be able to resume normal sex life, and the end, unsurprisingly, will be a breakup.

To this end, I looked up a lot of relevant materials, and also looked for sisters who had similar experiences with me on Google and Quora.

I learned that according to unofficial incomplete statistics: about 85% of men and 45% of women continue to masturbate after being in a relationship or marriage.

That is to say, my example is not a single case. After knowing this, I naturally breathed a sigh of relief.

When I thought about it with peace of mind, I carefully reviewed the laws and characteristics of my masturbation, trying to find the underlying reasons.

Half of my masturbation is when I'm having a sudden urge and my boyfriend is not around, and the other half is when I'm stressed.

Compared with the sexual behavior of two people, masturbation is more autonomous, and it does not require the cooperation of both parties' time.

And I know my body and my sensitivities better than the other person. When you have sex with your boyfriend, it always takes a while to reach orgasm, and masturbation can get you pleasure faster.

Especially when I'm in a bad mood and just want to find an outlet to vent, I don't want to put too much thought and energy into a duet dance. I also don’t want to create a feeling for myself that every time I have sex with my boyfriend, I’m in a bad mood. Too many times, I will be disgusted by conditioned reflex, which will definitely cast a shadow on our pleasant sex life.

Chizuru Ueno mentioned in the book Misogyny that people learn to communicate sexually with their own bodies before establishing sexual communication with other people's bodies. But this does not mean that masturbation is a preparatory stage and an incomplete substitute for establishing two-person communication.

A person has a lifelong sexual relationship with his own body, before, during, and after his dealings with the bodies of others.

Masturbation is often associated with single women or men, as if masturbation is a phenomenon that occurs when desire is not satisfied.

In fact, this is not the case. Masturbation is not the prerogative of single people. Everyone has the right to have sex with their own bodies.

The reason why the boyfriend is angry is also because of the stereotype of masturbation, that masturbation is the lack of sexual desire, and the lack of sexual desire means that he has lost his sexual charm and his sexual ability is not strong enough.

This causal logic does not hold.

When I sorted out the information I collected and sent it to my boyfriend and explained it sincerely, I obviously felt that the stone in my boyfriend's heart finally fell to the ground.

"So it's a normal thing, it's not that you're not sexually capable or that I don't love you anymore." I winked at my boyfriend.

"You can try it too, it's said that masturbation can practice and improve sex skills, so the next time you have sex, you can feel better."

My boyfriend was a little embarrassed by what I said, but he didn't deny it, "Then... Then I'll give it a try."